Thursday, February 22, 2007

My family VS Natural Selection

My family and I are involved in an ongoing battle with the laws of natural selection. There have been many times where Natural Selection has gotten the better of us. The villianous fiend sneaks up, waits in the lurch for one moment of weakness, poised to pounce. He can change form in an instant to ambush us, the unknowing victims.

For instance, once NS turned himself into a telephone pole and lept out of nowhere to hit the back of my mini-van, smashing the rear window and leaving a nasty dent.

Another time NS turned himself into a big, white ramp of snow, and beckoned with his siren call, "Come sled over me; it'll be so fun!" NS also deafened my husband, Randy's ears to my cries of, "Don't!" So, Randy flew through the air, and landed on his ass with the wind knocked out of him.

"But surely NS will leave the children alone", you say. On the contrary, NS is a mean M'F***er, who takes pleasure in tormenting children. As a matter of fact, children used to be NS's favorite target. That was before the government stepped in to protect them with helmets, pads, infinite warning stickers, windows in the backseats of cars that only roll up half way....

Natural selection picks on my youngest child constantly. He hunches down under the step in my family room, blending in with the wood, and then jumps up as AJ is making his way into the kitchen. Bam! Poor AJ. I told him to walk very slowly over this threshold because it is one of NS's favorite snares.

My older son seems to be a lot tougher. Actually, Red is quite cocky, and challenges NS to daily battles. Red is very fast on his skateboard. Every once in a while, NS trips him, but Red escapes with only minor cuts and scratches.

NS pounded the crap out of my daughter Lee when she was little. I do believe Lee's guardian fairy was on overtime for many years. NS would transform into a window when Lee was a toddler. "Climb out me! There's a bunch of kids out here who want to play with you!"

There were also many incidents, involving roller skates, bicycles, basketballs, holes in clothes....

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