Those Sexy Clothes

My husband thinks everything is sexy on me. Almost every day, he asks why I am wearing my "sexy" underwear, when he's going off to work.
I look down and say, "Why are these my sexy underwear?"

"Because they're red"
or "pink",or "black",
or "have hearts on them",
or "lace",
or "cherries",
or "stripes....."

One time my husband saw me at work at "Big Box Mart". I was bending over the counter scanning something at the cash register. Now he won't stop talking about me in my tan shorts and red vest.

Every day, my husband talks about how my ass looks in "those jeans"
or "those shorts"
or "those capris"

I wear nightgowns to bed, the "granny" type, and he thinks they're sexy "because they have buttons at the top." (so they can be unbuttoned and he can play with my breast)

All my shirts apparently "accentuate my shoulders"
or "breasts"
or "back"

If I actually wear something that most guys think is sexy, say a little black dress and heels, I'll be wearing his hands on my ass half the night too.

Honestly, some day I'm actually going to get a burlap sac to see if he says that's sexy!

Are the Women Doing the Laundry or the Men?

You know that nostalgic Clorox commerical with the women all doing the laundry? The laundry room changes through the decades as they show great-grandma, then the grandmother, then the mother doing the laundry.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TZeQUxSjHwU

Last night while DH and I were in bed this commercial came on.

"They all did the laundry....maybe even a man or two."


DH: Did they say "a man or two."

Me: Yes, "maybe even a man or two."

DH: "They couldn't have said that!"

Me: "That's exactly what they said."

DH: "The moms *did* a man or two?!"

Me: "You perve! They meant maybe a man or two did the laundry, aside from all those women who had to do it!" "They weren't talking about the women doing a man or two!"

DH: "Well I don't see how that statement could be taken any other way."

Me: (Turning over and rolling eyes in the dark), "That's how your mind works."

Ode to the Q-Mart

Someone invited me to go to the Q-Mart recently to buy fruit. Q-Mart is a big indoor/outdoor flea-market. There are food & produce stands, and all sorts of "flea-markety" things for sale. As I looked around the Q-Mart, I realized that I was standing in a white trash mecca. Now I'm not judging, afterall, I was in the Q-mart on a Friday night, so how cool am I?

So here as my ode to the Q-Mart is my top 10 list of white-trashy/flea-markety items.

1. Lamps with dolphin figurines, and fiber optic sprays of water
2. Tie-Dyed, large T-Shirts with really sexy, weeping Native American women on them
3. Life-sized porcelin dolls that look like scary children
4. Embroidered sweatshirts that say "World's Best Mom-Mom" on them
5. Boxes of cereal which were pulled off regular supermarket shelves because they are expired (DH swears it tastes fine)
6. Airbrushed car plates that say, "Joe & Mary" forever
7. Those metaly, swirly, thingies that are supposed to hang on a porch
8. Stuffed white cats, made with-real cat hair?
9. "Gold" ID tags
10. Anything with an angel

Time and Names

Boy, nothing like sleep depravation and sinus problems to zap your creativity!
I'll just share two little odd facts about myself today.

1. I was born at 12:30a.m. on July13th. This was of course during Daylight Savings Time. I don't know why, but the hosptial recorded my birthday in Eastern Standard Time, thus changing my official birth record to 11:30P.M., July 12th. So, I kind of have 2 birthdays.

Which just goes to tell us that time is a relative concept.

2. My real first name is Lori-Ann. I have no middle name. When my mother registered me in school as a child, she wrote Lori Ann X....., and not Lori-Ann X.....
Consequently, every teacher and student throughout 12 years of school knew me as Lori X. I, myself introduced myself as Lori, and came to be annoyed that my own family didn't know my proper name.
In the last couple of years, I've been going through this life altering/self-affirmation phase. I decided to start using my full name. I told my employers to put it on my name tag, so everyone at work only know me as Lori-Ann. There are people that are confused and wondering just what my name is, and I try to explain myself, without sounding too flaky.

This goes to show how much an impact school has on a child. School told me what my name was!

My family VS Natural Selection

My family and I are involved in an ongoing battle with the laws of natural selection. There have been many times where Natural Selection has gotten the better of us. The villianous fiend sneaks up, waits in the lurch for one moment of weakness, poised to pounce. He can change form in an instant to ambush us, the unknowing victims.

For instance, once NS turned himself into a telephone pole and lept out of nowhere to hit the back of my mini-van, smashing the rear window and leaving a nasty dent.

Another time NS turned himself into a big, white ramp of snow, and beckoned with his siren call, "Come sled over me; it'll be so fun!" NS also deafened my husband, Randy's ears to my cries of, "Don't!" So, Randy flew through the air, and landed on his ass with the wind knocked out of him.

"But surely NS will leave the children alone", you say. On the contrary, NS is a mean M'F***er, who takes pleasure in tormenting children. As a matter of fact, children used to be NS's favorite target. That was before the government stepped in to protect them with helmets, pads, infinite warning stickers, windows in the backseats of cars that only roll up half way....

Natural selection picks on my youngest child constantly. He hunches down under the step in my family room, blending in with the wood, and then jumps up as AJ is making his way into the kitchen. Bam! Poor AJ. I told him to walk very slowly over this threshold because it is one of NS's favorite snares.

My older son seems to be a lot tougher. Actually, Red is quite cocky, and challenges NS to daily battles. Red is very fast on his skateboard. Every once in a while, NS trips him, but Red escapes with only minor cuts and scratches.

NS pounded the crap out of my daughter Lee when she was little. I do believe Lee's guardian fairy was on overtime for many years. NS would transform into a window when Lee was a toddler. "Climb out me! There's a bunch of kids out here who want to play with you!"

There were also many incidents, involving roller skates, bicycles, basketballs, holes in clothes....